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YANKS FOR THE MEMORIES! USA CROWNED 2126 WORLD CUP CHAMPS... AGAIN!Trump III steps in as England’s last-gasp equaliser is ruled “Not in the interests of World Soccer”By Juan Kerr, USA Official World Soccer Correspondent
Reporting from the Lincoln McDonalds Ford Obama Arena, Washington DC, July 9, 2126
A new world record crowd, according to revised official figures, packed the LMFAO Arena last night to witness the United States lift the Donald Trump Memorial World Soccer Series Trophy for an unprecedented 24th consecutive time. The competition, formerly known as the FIFA World Cup/Jules Rimet Trophy, once again concluded with what FIFA (Federation In Favour of America) described as “the correct outcome”.
Down 1 - 0 to a USA goal during the second-half hydration break, England thought they had forced extra time when captain Granite Werktopf powered a trademark header into the net in the 89th minute. Referee Sindy Nodwell (USA) paused play after receiving a notification from VAR (Verdict Already Reached), operated by the White House Presidential Review Centre. Following a brief consultation, England’s goal was overturned.
FIFA immediately confirmed the decision. Its statement read: “Following extensive consultation, England’s goal has been deemed not to be in the interests of World Soccer. The referee’s original decision has therefore been improved.”
President Donald Trump III congratulated tournament officials.
“I’ve saved soccer again. It wasn’t a goal. Everybody knows it wasn’t a goal. England knows it. The referee knows it. It would have been the worst goal in the history of soccer.”
Officials standing behind the President nodded enthusiastically before breaking into rapturous applause - on cue.
England manager Arthur Sixpence accepted the ruling with customary dignity.
“We’re naturally disappointed,” he admitted. “But after FIFA’s explanation, we fully understand that allowing England to score would have created an unnecessary delay in the right team winning.”
England captain Granite Werktopf also accepted the decision and was then immediately shown the tournament’s newly introduced Green Card by match referee Nodwell. This is awarded to opposition players making an exceptional contribution to American soccer interests. Benefits include immediate US citizenship, lifetime membership of the Presidential Golf Club and a generous contribution to the offshore bank account of the recipient’s choice.
Match referee Sindy Nodwell was later named Player of the Match, presented by tournament sponsors LIARS (Liberty, Independence and Republican Supporters). FIFA President Johnnie Sycofantino praised her for displaying: “Remarkable flexibility, outstanding judgement and an unwavering commitment to favourable outcomes.”
Nodwell was humble in accepting the award.
“I’d like to thank my uncle, the President, for his guidance.”
The audience gave her a standing ovation - one that went much better than the one performed in an earlier rehearsal.
President Trump III was also presented with FIFA’s prestigious World Peace Off Award, first introduced one hundred years earlier. The citation praised his: “Outstanding contribution to global soccer harmony by ensuring that everyone ultimately agreed with the result.”
Presenting the award, Johnnie Sycofantino described his friend, the President, as: “A great, great human being who has succeeded where soccer officials have previously failed by totally removing doubt and disagreement from World Soccer.”
Tournament organisers confirmed that, under new FIFA regulations, the winners automatically become hosts of the next World Soccer Series. This move was introduced to reward “consistent excellence while eliminating unnecessary bidding processes”. The United States therefore secured hosting rights for the 2130 tournament. FIFA described the selection process as “perhaps the most competitive in history”.
Scotland once again failed to qualify for the World Soccer Series.
Manager Alava Bevvie explained: “Nae bother. To be honest, pal, we didna really wanna qualify anyways. We’re focussed on cutting oot unnecessary travel costs and wanted ta concentrate on marching and chanting.”
Happily, the Tartan Army retained their title as Fans of the Tournament after independent economists estimated they injected more than $4 billion into the USA economy. World Soccer Series organisers praised Scottish supporters for creating an unforgettable atmosphere, despite the Scotland national team not actually appearing in the tournament.
FIFA also unveiled further improvements to the World Laws of Soccer for the next World Soccer Series:
- Executive Time is automatically added whenever the USA are behind;
- VAR (Verdict Already Reached) is now officially subject to Presidential Review;
- Optional offside rulings are available exclusively to host nations for any goal scored by their opposition;
- The Right to Appeal is available, provided this supports the President’s decision; and
- Historical results may be amended where necessary to reflect current USA requirements.
So, from me, Juan Kerr in Washington DC (and I hope I can read the President’s handwriting correctly), it’s a very well-deserved congratulations to Team USA. It’s another emphatic win for the greatest team ever to grace Planet Earth, who are crowned World Soccer Series Champions 2126.
In many ways, it was never in doubt.
CORRECTIONAn earlier edition of this newspaper incorrectly reported that England equalised in the 89th minute. We are pleased to clarify that England did not score. The goal never happened. Footage appearing to show the goal has now been reviewed and adjusted. We apologise for any confusion caused by the previous version of events.(Decision sponsored by LIARS)
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Source: SB Nation
